My bishop taught me a wonderful phrase: “There are lies and there are bandages for the soul.” I told the lady that I had checked as she asked and her brother was definitely dead.Īnother problem with being a priest or minister is that you have to attend funerals of your own friends facilitated by others who may not have taken any time to get to know the deceased. If he wasn’t dead before he went in, he is now.” And third, he’s been screwed into an airtight box for three hours. The crematorium worker in charge looked at me long and hard and said, “First, it’s illegal to open a coffin once it’s sealed. Worse, I’ve been groped by the deceased’s husband and asked not to allow a coffin to be burnt until I had personally checked inside it to make sure the chief mourner’s late brother truly was dead.įor that one, I went downstairs to the cremator area after the service and made the request (you have to do what the family ask when they are that afraid). In addition, I’ve been asked to wear pink fairy wings to facilitate a pink angel funeral where the deceased’s daughter sprayed so much aromatherapy I had to stay behind to apologize to the staff, clergy, and mourners attending the next two services. (That one is a cardinal sin for funeral ministers as it’s deeply disrespectful to the next group of mourners.) Nobody’s going to set fire to the curtains with an ill-placed candle nobody’s going to jump into the grave with the coffin and, as a general rule, nobody’s actually dead.Īll of the above have happened to me in my 20 years as a minister. When people ask me how I can dare do stand-up comedy, assuming it must be terrifying to regularly risk humiliation in front of a crowd, I always say it’s nothing as frightening as officiating a funeral.įor a start, nobody’s going to cry if you get their name wrong at a comedy gig, or have a fight with the ex-wife/current wife/unexpected gay lover over who sits where, or give a heartfelt eulogy lasting 20 minutes in a 25-minute crematorium slot so you’re in danger of going over time.
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